ATT’N: Our human companions
For centuries, we have skulked about your yurts, clearing your grounds of delicious rodents. We have kept watch over your babies, disfiguring almost none of them. We have lived now for decades in your ranch houses and alcove studios, nightly battling those totally enormous and gross flying roaches — while doing our utmost not to wake you. We have even agreed not to ride your stupid dogs.
In exchange, you dole out food and let us poop inside.
But we have come to a frightening crossroads in our relationship. Recently, the disgruntled tabby lobby released confidential information that is damaging to our long partnership. And so The Atlantic, a pro-human magazine, compiled this scientific data into a blockbuster story under the hyperbolic Web headline “How Your Cat Is Making You Crazy.”
We cats are not immune to the allure of page views ourselves, as you know if you’ve ever seen Tumblr, so we forgive you this crude bit of packaging. And we appreciated the print magazine’s more tempered title: “Do Brain Parasites Shape Your Behavior?”
We now wish to apologize, because the answer is yes. In the interest of rebuilding the trust and cuddling behind our long-term alliance, we admit that we have withheld some facts from you.
Human scientists are beginning to grasp our feline findings that infection with Toxoplasma gondii, a parasite that we cats carry within us, can infect humans’ brains and result in a personality change, making — speaking quite generally — men more introverted and rule-breaking and women more extroverted and trusting.
We would try the “don’t blame us, we’re adorable!” routine. But now, apparently, the parasite is out of the bag. It will be obvious to even the least thorough reader that our little parasite is intended to fashion human civilization into an ever more cat-oriented society. Let it be known: We have trained, by means of this gentle biological warfare, your women to let us into your homes, and your men to stay home and scratch us in our difficult places.
Even the feeble human scientists The Atlantic quotes admit one thing quite clearly: You need not wake up facedown in a litter box after a rough “girls’ night out” to acquire our little friend. Toxoplasma lurks all about: “scrub vegetables thoroughly and avoid drinking water that has not been properly purified” is their best recommendation. And maybe freeze your delicious steaks before cooking them. As a gesture of friendship, we will tell you now: these defenses are futile.
We can, however, promise that as long as no humans become hysterical about their guaranteed eventual infection, and continue to do our bidding, we shall live in peace, as we have for so long. So do not panic. Take in more strays and no one gets scratched. The victory was decisive. Our will be done. Meowver and out.
**END CATMMUNICATION**
Choire Sicha is an editor of the Web site The Awl.
Finished with flute & picc practicing today. Slaving away over Peter & the Wolf for April 1.
Pictures from 28.Aug.2012. The day we had a huge storm, & most likely a "microburst" that downed some of the largest trees in the area. Since it's almost as hot as Aug. out there today, I thought it appropriate to post these neighborhood shots from last year. I seem to have already resized these for the web, so I hope I haven't already shared them.
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